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The "Be Yourself" Debate

When parents and mentors tell young people things like: 'be yourself' it's meant as a phrase of encouragement - though when taken literally there seems to be something about this phrase that encourages stagnation as a side-effect. Surely the intent is never to instill stagnation - the intent is to ward away thoughts of self criticism by telling young people to believe themselves to be 'sufficient' and to carry on with: 'being themselves.' A lot of nuance gets lost though when we condense something complex like a-healthy-self-concept down to a philosophy of two words, and in addition to accomplishing the objective of diminishing self-criticism, the phrase 'be yourself' relies upon (or at least permits) the continued habit of assessing oneself as somewhere on a spectrum between 'sufficient' and 'insufficient', rather than building a healthy relationship with self assessment and self-criticism.

It's like saying: 'cholesterol is bad for you'. There is good cholesterol and bad cholesterol - and if you aren't going to make a distinction between the two, then the broad generalization that 'cholesterol is bad for you' will generally motivate people to make a change toward health. But an important nuance gets lost in that general phrase - GOOD cholesterol gets lost in that general phrase - and good cholesterol is equally important to health as is the absence of BAD cholesterol.

A little bit of self criticism is needed for a person to evaluate their current situation in life - let's call it the combination of their attitudes, ideas, feelings, their behaviors, habits and competencies - to evaluate their current situation and to tell themselves honestly whether they would like that current situation is what they would desire as their future situation - and to also tell themselves honestly whether expecting that situation to stay the same would be a realistic possibility in a world where things can be stable, but where nothing is permanent.

So, when we tell people - especially young people - to 'be themselves' our intent in that message is to prevent destructive self-criticism - but that doesn't create a healthy relationship with self-criticism, and self-evaluation and goal setting - it just, well it has the unintended consequence of eliminating all self-criticism and self-assessment and results often times in stagnation and inevitable decay of the individual - because if you aren't growing, you're decaying, and if you aren't assessing yourself, you aren't growing.

I've always said there is a solution to every problem, but each solution brings with it a new problem - hopefully a smaller problem.

'Be yourself' as advice solves the big problem of destructive self-criticism - which, in situations where it's noticeable as a problem, can even be a life-threatening problem - so that's an urgent problem to solve. But it also creates the smaller problem of stagnation - which is only 'smaller' because it is not an urgent and sudden problem to occur.

I think parents and mentors would be doing a better service to young people if we were to instill young people with a model for a healthy relationship with self-assessment and self-criticism, rather than eliminating self-criticism entirely. But that healthy relationship is difficult to cultivate. It takes a long time, and not only that a long time of consistent modeling and describing of behaviors and attitudes. That's the smaller problem created when we solve when a healthy relationship with self-criticism is used to solve the bigger problem of self-destructive self-criticism - it isn't easy to instill a healthy relationship with self-criticism.

Sometimes (to note more nuance) that healthy relationship might need to eliminate all self-criticism at the start - especially when the self-criticism is extraordinarily self-destructive - when self-destruction is tapping on the door, then the message of 'be yourself' has urgent and absolute utility. In that situation it's best to wipe the slate clean (so to speak) and eliminate all preconceived habits of self-criticism so as to build new healthy habits that are self-constructive and problem-solving rather than self-destructive.

But outside of extremely self-destructive patterns of self-criticism, the default advice of 'be yourself' should not be distributed to everyone, by default like candy to the masses of young people insecurities and ambitions.

Though I suppose if a parent or mentor lacks awareness of the nuance between insecurities and ambition, and can't describe or identify a high-risk for self-destruction, if they were to profess one simple message, if they don't have the time or the words to cultivate that healthy relationship to self-criticism, 'be yourself' to solve self-destruction and risk stagnation is a safer option than 'assess yourself' so solve stagnation at risk of self-destruction.

It's not an easy task to navigate, but few important things are easy - except breathing and sleeping perhaps.

If you're only going to give one simple answer in the face of self-criticism, that answer should be: 'be yourself'. And also it's important to give a more complete answer of directing young people toward the aim and goal of developing a healthy relationship with self-criticism - and it's even more important, if you can't give about a hundred details of nuance beyond one simple answer, to not attempt the difficult task of instilling that healthy relationship with self-criticism.

Don't roll those dice until you know how to make them spin - a life may depend on it - otherwise, until you sort out those details, stick with the advice of 'be yourself'.

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The "Be Yourself" Debate

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