How to NOT Find "The One"

When I was in high school a friend once told me: "Dude, you need a girlfriend."

I agreed - and I asked my friend how exactly to get a girlfriend.

My friend then told me to "just ask a girl out" - and my literal interpretation was baffled.

"Out?" I repeated.

What does that mean to "ask out" a person? As a teenager in high school I had little opportunity of, or knowledge for, (or money to) invite a special someone to "go out" with me for an evening. Also I'd learn that "going out" didn't mean literally going out for a date, but was more of a colloquialism, meaning that two people are in a relationship. But I still didn't understand how to "ask out" a person.

"Do I just ask her to be... 'out' with me?" I asked my friend.

Fast forward a few years to college.

Side note: This part of the story is still years before the most wonderful and significant event of the moment when I met my beautiful and wife

Standing in line at the post office I make small talk with a pair of girls about my age. By-the-way: - I've also learned small-talk at this point in the story - but that's a whole story of it's own!

We're standing in line, and we're talking about what we're there to do: update our passports. I'm getting my passport ready for a study abroad program to China, and these two girls are going to The Bahamas for spring break.

We waited in line for about twenty minutes, talking and chatting and flirting to some degree. They were ahead of me in line and finished their paperwork first (there was only one front desk) but before they left the two paused for a moment after saying "it was nice talking to you". I noticed - or imagined - that they might have been pausing for a few moments before leaving, in order to give me the opportunity to ask for their phone numbers.

I had no idea how to do that.

As I was called to the front, the kind older man who began processing my paperwork made a friendly comment that he'd expected me to get their phone numbers before they left.

With my new passport application filed, and the hard copy coming to me soon in the mail I was ready to leave.

"Your paperwork is all set and passport should be arriving to you in the mail within two to six weeks" said the older man behind the counter. "Do you have any other question for me?" He asked.

"No," I said at first, but then stopped myself from stepping away.

There was something I wanted to ask. Something that had been on my mind for the whole time since my wait in line. In fact, it was a question that had been on my mind for years. And now, for some reason, I felt compelled to ask.

"Actually I do have one more question," I said, feeling bold. "Though it isn't related to passports."

"What is it?" he asked, with honest curiosity.

"You noticed I was talking to those two young ladies," I began. The man nodded. "I was wondering... how exactly I would have gone about getting their phone numbers."

"Oh, I'm sorry, man," he said with genuine compassion, "but I can't give you someone else's personal information."

"No, that's definitely not what I'm asking," I said, quickly, realizing in this context I hadn't been entirely clear.

"No, I'm certainly not asking you to release any personal information - that would be very illegal," I said. "I'm just asking your advice - as a young man who has no idea how to ask for a girls phone number, asking an older man who knows much more about the subject. The opportunity for me to get their numbers is gone. But the next time I'm standing in line chatting with a girl what could I do differently? And I don't mean to impose on you - if you'd rather not deal with this random question I completely understand - but I could really benefit from an outside perspective on how that good conversation I was having could have gone even better, and lead to more conversations in the future.

He assured me that my question was no imposition, and that he'd be happy to help provide some advice and insight.

We then talked for another ten or twenty minutes. This man was kind and generous with his insights and he had a wealth of information. He told me a few things he noticed when I was talking and flirting with these girls - what seemed to go well, what didn't, and how things could have gone better. He told me some stories of when he was a musician, a radio host, and a DJ through the 60's and 70's. He told me about what he's found as the best way for a young man to make a good first impression on a young lady. And also he answered my question - how to ask for a phone number.

I walked out of that post office with a ton of new insights, a new confidence, and a new phrase to acknowledge and enable connecting with people.

"When you're having a good conversation like that," the older man had told me, "and you're flirting, and they're flirting, and then things are about to wind down because someone has to get going - just say something like: 'well, it's been really nice talking to you, it would be great to grab a coffee or lunch sometime see you again. Would you like to exchange phone numbers before we head out here?' "

And that was my first, best piece of advice.

For the next few years I'd be studying psychology (both in and outside of school). After that day of advice from an old man to a young man, I've found a lot more advice over the years. Eventually I'd find solutions to the things other people were struggling with. I learned the nature of the various obstacles and opportunities that would influence my ability to connect with people who I hadn't met yet. I kept learning about relationships, conversation, flirting and the like; and soon I was able to help other people with their own obstacles and opportunities as a dating coach.

Which brings us here.

As a coach for both men and women I've noticed several ways of thinking that frequently make it incredibly unlikely for a person to find the romantic partner they're looking for (aka "the one"). These ways of thinking have nothing to do with a person's values or strongly held beliefs, but still have more influence than most other, more important, factors. These ways of thinking are almost always either logical missteps, accidental habits, or simply missing information that hasn't been entirely examined before.

So today I'm sharing a list from my charts in the murky waters waters of dating.

Here are several common problems I've seen and what I consider to be the most accessible solutions for them:

The "Prince Charming" / "Princess Beauty" Narrative

This is probably the first thing I hear when coaching a new client:

Either "I'll date someone when I like someone." or "I want to meet 'the one' but I'm not interested in wasting my time even talking to anyone if the relationship isn't going to be going anywhere."

It's the narrative of a fairy-tale romance that happens completely by accident, or fate (or good cliché screen-play writing).

Which makes sense at a glance - but it breaks down upon more scrutiny because relationships don't happen by accident. Relationships take work, and the early parts of a relationship are no exception. Conversation is a skill. Flirting is a skill. Just like gardening, parenting or playing football is a skill. To say that you'll only date after you've met 'the one' means that you're not going to build the skills of conversation or flirting until it really matters - and suddenly you find yourself with someone you desperately want to talk to, but you don't know how to catch their eye.

It's like a football player saying: "I'll practice throwing when I get to the Super bowl."

It's like a parent saying "I'll read about disciplining kids after I start having discipline issues."

It's like saying "I'll learn which plants grow in my climate after I'm hungry."

Dating doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing situation of knowing early on whether a person is 'the one' or not - in fact relationships turn unhealthy very quickly when an all-or-nothing perspective is employed. You can decide for yourself what boundaries you are comfortable with, and if you want to define the "dating" that you're comfortable with as (for example) something never anything more intimate than coffee and lunch dates in public during daylight hours - then that is wonderful!

Starting there (or at any other definition of boundaries for yourself) is a wonderful place to begin - because after a few months of that type of date, you're going to strongly build your own self-knowledge (about your own likes, dislikes, thoughts and feelings) as well as some strong skills in conversation and flirting, so that WHEN you do meet that 'prince charming' or 'princess beauty' who is 'the one' you'll be comfortable in conversation in knowing exactly what to say.

The Disconnect of Great Desirability vs Easy Accessibility

This next problem is one that I hear a lot in my first few conversations coaching a new client.

At the start of the process, while I'm getting a feel for the client's situation, I'll as you to describe your version of 'the one'. I'll ask for a focus on the things that are important to you - what is their personality like, what does their appearance look like, what are their cultural or ideological values and as those relate to your own and to building a life together - whatever the things that are most important to you in 'the one'.

That answer gives me a good idea of generally who 'the one' is as a person and a potential partner for the client.

My next question is even more enlightening.

I'll ask for a description of the persons who my client historically seeks out relationships with, or finds themselves in a relationship with.

Shockingly the people who my client typically dates or seeks out, are significantly different from how they imagine 'the one'.

In pointing this out, I'll also ask: "Why do you think that is?" and together we'll examine the patterns early on in the relationship - and before the relationship begins - that often select in favor of people who feel like they are more accessible than necessarily desirable - creating a discrepancy between who they'd like to date and who they end up dating.

A few of the more extreme examples of this discrepancy:

"I'm looking for someone sweet, maybe a little shy or nerdy but who still likes to have fun... typically I'll date someone super confident and charming who comes up to me and asks me out..."

Or

"I'm looking for someone with the personality of [insert celebrity or fictional character here] who looks like, [insert another celebrity or fictional character here]... No, I've never met someone like that... no, I've never approached someone like that."

Either way, whether you're dating the a certain 'wrong types' of potential partners because they make themselves more accessible, or if you aren't approaching the the 'right types' of potential partners because they seem inaccessible - in both cases the challenge or convenience of accessibility becomes the primary thing keeping you away from your finding your way to a more desirable partner.

The best way to get around this: have a conversation with someone who seems like they might be the type of person you're looking for. Make a comment on something happening within your mutual environment, and see where the conversation can go from there. If it goes somewhere then great! And if it goes no where, then try again the next time someone catches your eye who seems like they could be a catch - even if they don't fall into the type of being the flashiest, the loudest, or the most opposite of an ex.

Expecting A Different Result from the Same Method

A logician - someone entrenched in their faith in logic alone - might refer to the old saying that "the definition of insanity is repeatedly approaching the same problem with the same method, but expecting a different result". This is a catchy idea, and it can help to prompt a person to think outside the box of their usual methods of solving problems, but I don't think repeating an ineffective method is really insanity - I think it's a natural part of being human, and having a brain with a chemical-reward system that is far more complicated than a logical flow chart.

Often times a client will express surprise and concern for how much they've tried to find 'the one' but still haven't had anything close to success.

They'll say things like:

"I've had an online dating profile for months, but nobody has wow-ed me yet."

"I've been going to bars and cocktail lounges for ages but everyone seems so fake!"

"I just don't know anyone. I've always met partners in the past through friends and social groups, but now I just go between home and work"

Do you see the solution?

If you aren't finding any viable prospective partners in the places (or contexts where you're looking) then you need to look elsewhere.

That goes doubly for context. I don't recommend trying too hard to flirt with someone while either you or they are at work. Flirting in the workplace can create all sorts of problems because it is easily a situation where - if a person wants to stop interacting at any point, the nature of being in a professional role limits the ability to do so - and the possibility to leave is absolutely necessary for a healthy flirting scenario. The workplace is a context where some socialization will occur as a secondary focus, but since the primary focus is doing a job (though there are exceptions to the rule) in general the workplace is not a good context in which to flirt.

So what do you do if you aren't finding love in the location or context where you've been looking? If there are so many wrong places, what is the right one?

The answer is... it depends.

As a fisherman and bird-watching enthusiast friend of mine says: 'you won't find sparrows if you're looking in the ocean, and you won't catch fish in the trees.'

Where exactly to go to find the type of person who you'll eventually discover to be your 'the one' depends entirely on who you're looking for. Someone to enjoy your favorite sports with might be found in a far different place than an avid book lover.

My best advice in finding a new search is to seek out places where people are looking to meet people: networking events, volunteer organizations, social gatherings, special interest groups and events. Then make small talk. Comment on what's going on around you and ask them their thoughts on those things you've just commented on. Talk to people in line when they seem open to it. Have follow up conversations to revisit ideas and topics you'd previously discussed earlier.

And if all else fails, if everything you've been trying isn't working, then take a few weeks or months to stop looking. Don't try to find the one. Simply find and pursue those things that you would like to do and enjoy - either alone, or in a community group. More often than not, when you're simply enjoying the things you like to do, you'll end up meeting someone whom you'd like to do them with.

The Uncertainty Of: What Will I Say!?!

Once I've coached a client through no longer looking in the wrong places, and no longer getting distracted by the wrong people, and no longer waiting for the perfect person to appear completely by accident, one question eventually comes up:

"What do I say when...?"

...trying to start a conversation?

...on a first date?

...when it's time to define what exactly the relationship is?

All of these have the same answer, and it's way more profound than some conversational formula or charming one-liner.

Two things:

1) Know yourself.

2) Be honest. Be honest in a way that you give to yourself the loving kindness of accepting and prioritizing what is important to you.

What does that mean?

That means starting a conversation with something you're actually thinking. Such as a comment about something going on in your shared environment within line of sight, or a compliment on some attribute of their behavior, attire or appearance that caught your eye. Just being honest about the things that draw your attention can usually make for the best conversation starters.

A first date is different from just the moment of meeting someone. Dates can be like radio shows in that tension builds when there are extended silences between topics of conversation. In my experience though you can always find fuel for a conversation by just looking around the room, making a comment about your thoughts or feelings toward a particular thing, and asking your partner about their thoughts, feelings, experiences or wishes regarding that thing. If a conversation begins with a comment about a thing catching your attention, it can easily continue indefinitely by elaborating on your thoughts about that attention-grabbing thing.

The 'defining the relationship' falls into the conversational category of discussing boundaries. This is where your best approach is another manifestation of honesty - and this is where it becomes most important to make entirely sure that you are both, being heard and listening to your partner. This conversation doesn't happen just once, it happens anytime either partner is uncomfortable with something that's going on, or just wanting to make sure you're both excited about the same things happening within your relationship over the next (however long) duration of time. The focus of a 'defining the relationship' or boundaries conversation is often to make sure that everyone agrees about what is acceptable or unacceptable to happen between you during the next... minute? hour? week? decade? Any of these are a perfect duration of time to discuss and make clear your boundaries. Let honesty and self-advocacy be your compass when navigating the conversation about defining your relationship and your boundaries.

Which brings us to our next common issue that keeps people away from 'the one':

Worrying More About Meeting Their Standards Than Your Boundaries

A wise man once said: '[Physical intimacy] is a lot like boxing. If two people are doing it, and one of them doesn't want to, then the other party is committing a violent crime.'

All too often - and quite sadly - a person in a romantic relationship - especially in the early stages - may find themselves feeling compelled or pressured to worry more about the expectations (or "standards") of their partner, at the expense of their own boundaries.

Let's get some definitions clear.

If a romantic partner tries to tell you something that you need to do - that's not a boundary, that's an expectation (though many times an intentional or incidental abuser will try to frame it differently) a boundary refers only to the things you're comfortable being involved in - your own definitions of what you find acceptable for your own behaviors and activities. Something that has nothing to do with your boundaries are the expectations of other people - regardless of the nature of your relationship with them.

Behaving a certain way, engaging in an event or activity, even living a certain life; that you don't want, simply to live up to the 'standards' or 'expectations' of someone else can be a huge - HUGE - distraction and derailment from building the life you want, filled with the things you want to do, and the people with whom you want to do them.

The best solution to noticing that your preferences, your wants, and your boundaries have taken a position of consistently lower priority in a relationship: first talk about it. If this is happening between you and a loved one, someone who cares about you, they'll want to work hard to change the habits within your relationship to accommodate you and prioritize your comfort.

If talking about it doesn't work, then use your discretion for trying again. Use your discretion to decide how long you'll give them the benefit of the doubt, how many times you'll try again to be heard before you conclude that they aren't simply not understanding it, but that they simply don't care. If at first talking doesn't work, then the second thing to try is get louder and more clear to be heard - for however much effort is worth it to you.

After that, once you've given them enough of an opportunity to hear you and respect your boundaries, if they either don't care or don't listen (which is a form of not caring) then it's time to end the relationship.

Whether out of kindness or cruelty - whichever works for you - take your pick.

Asserting a boundary could be done out of kindness to yourself, to be respected in the right to choose what you will and won't do. It could be done with a spirit of kindness to the other party - setting them free to go find someone who's a better fit for what they'd like to do and the life they'd like to have. An assertion can also be done out of cruelty toward a person who mistreated you. It's up to you to decide which option is the right fit for a particular situation.

Like conversation, asserting boundaries is a skill. There are small boundaries like reminding someone to return a pen they've borrowed for a moment, or big boundaries like how to manage household expenses. Whatever emotion you use to draw the energy it takes to assert your boundaries, building that skill and that confidence will bring you hugely closer to finding and knowing love.

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